I wish there’s still us. but boy I know all that life contains is just me just you, there will never be us anymore </3 I wish you knew how I miss you. how much missing you hurts. how much not having you around pains me. but I knew better that this. I know its all my fault for not choosing you, us. there’s just some things time, absence and distance cannot change. I guess this will last a lifetime. A lifetime full of what if </3

Roller coaster October (confessions of a failing heart)

I loved a boy for the past five years of my life,seeing no one but him, believing no one but him, “no one but him.” We fight, we make up, the cycle of never ending problems goes on. until day by day I felt the impending signs, the impending threat to us, then one day I found myself falling away from him. slowly falling out of love. the years of being together no longer makes sense, days of arguments and fights took its toll on me. I started wondering what if, what if I leave, what if there’s someone else, would that someone treat me more properly than he does? I started asking questions that never existed in my mind. I was always about fixing us, always about doing countless ways only to keep him. but today was different I started planning when and where will I break it to him. how can I end my five years life with him. it is hard to do considering the plans and dreams I have for us.

As the days of struggle went by, as endless bucket of tears are wasted I met him by chance, in the most odd way possible. I don’t know why I felt so comfortable with him, I immediately trusted him. I told him my stories, I shared my life to him just like that. then the days went by where we talked for hours, when days turns to nights and nights into days we talked about almost everything. when I am talking to him it felt different all my problems gone astray, I could feel the pain no more. he’s like a instant lidocaine injected into my system and the pain went by in a second. talking to him became very therapeutic it made me believe in a new set of things, he opened my eyes to possibilities, he made me realize things, he made me discover things I yet to know. I already knew his feelings for me, although he tries to cover it, although it remains unsaid I could feel it in every words he say. I felt treasured, loved. for the first time in the past five years he made me feel alive. I started smiling foolishly at the most simple conversations. slowly I felt it was going somewhere, it scared me most to think I am falling for him but I disregarded those feelings, the doubts just to be with him. The first time I met him, the first time I saw him it’s like I knew him all my life. like he’s someone from the past that I reconnected with. I didn’t feel like he’s a stranger that I’m meeting for the first time but more of someone I knew all this time. I told myself that after that first meeting his feelings will change, I wanted to prove myself that his feelings are nothing but empty cans of infatuations, but I failed. the first meeting turns to second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth.. I let go of the fears and the doubts and concentrated on how he made me feel and allowed myself to fall one flight of stair at a time challenging my beliefs and crossing my limits. I sit there watching as my feelings for him drastically changed I know it’s going fast, too fast for others to understand but I care less. there I am everyday waking at random hours of day just to talk to him. I fight my sleepiness just to stay awake and talk to him.  I wanted to see him everyday, every chance I can. I no longer care about what people might say all I know is that I am and he’s happy. One morning I woke up and decided that I wan’t to burst the bubble of our friendship, I couldn’t stay just like that with him. I wanted more, I needed more. more than just mere friendship. so there we are talking and seeing each other. what we have has no label, has no name but we both feel what we are, what it was. when he looks at me I change, when he smile I smile, foolish to think but for me it was all real. everything about me changed I smiled more, laughed more and yes I am very happy. it’s like meeting that one person you thought you’d never meet. it’s like an answered prayer. like a reason found. everything was perfect. the right person, the right feelings, the right places, the right mood, the right songs, the right one. at that time for me he’s the right one. we made promises, promises we yet to hold on to. I started believing, started hoping that it would be us in the end. 

I had unsettled issues, unsettled business to attend to. my five years life was still there at the floor after I cut the remaining thread that holds it. I let that person down, left him in the open air waiting, hoping for another chance, a chance that I willing fully gave to another person. A lost chance he couldn’t recover. I couldn’t see him because I know I can’t hold my ground. I couldn’t talk to him because my resolve is weak. too weak that I will fall back to him and I can’t let that happen. but sometimes things don’t happen the way we want them to be, life has a way of knocking you out of your stupidity. That one unexpected night I saw him changed all the things I believed in. my heart couldn’t contain itself. it couldn’t deny him. my own heart cheated my mind and went the different way. meeting him again was nice. I was there standing, shaken by the turn of events.

I never thought I’d see myself here. standing with two roads to choose from. I have choices. which one to take? which one to choose? which one to let go? which hand should I take? which heart should be torn? 

although I hate to call it this way but I am a two timer. I loved two person at once and so here I am making the hard choice in my life. I chose my five years life over that one person who made me feel alive for an unknown reason. I should be happy now because I finally get what I want. but I am not. the laughter and smiles i couldn’t seem to find them. I couldn’t find the right reason to push through. I guess this is really how things are when you’re struggling to fall in love and move on at the same time. I have endless list of what if’s and what could have been. He’s my favorite what if. but me and him would be just like that, “what could have been.” an unknown story, an untold, unwritten love story. I guess he was able to pick his pieces back again, back in shape, and ready for chances and opportunities only this time not with me anymore. 

today I am more complicated but I’m stronger. I made this choice and I have to stand by it and not regret it. I have to shut my eyes to those what ifs. I have to teach my heart to close one of the two doors it has opened. I have to learn to let go and move on, to learn to accept that I cannot love two people. I have to learn to unlove you. what happened to me will remain as a lesson. so the next time it shouldn’t happen to me again. 

they say that when you fall in love to two people you must choose the second one, because you wouldn’t love someone else if you truly love him. but for me I chose to stay and fall back to the first one. we both have faults and mistakes but it doesn’t mean that the relationship should end.

as for the second one I loved, he’s a hard lesson life taught me. an October I will always remember. that one roller coaster ride October. 

We have no hold of the future, today shapes them but no one really knows what it  has in store for us. we just have to become wiser, a stronger heart and a logical mind to choose which. certain battles are fought some are won and some are lost. in this life we don’t always make the right decisions, we make mistakes and the the wrong decisions. all of the indecision and failure we come across with propels us to the right places, the right choices, and the eventually the “right one.”

who knows who among the two of them really is the “right one.” who knows if I made the right choice. but regardless if it’s right or not choices led me here. my free will led me to this. so I must make a stand for it.

goodbye sugar it was nice meeting you, it was worth loving you. but it have to end. thanks to all the good memories you left me with. for the things you taught me. for the songs we shared and for that one month you made me feel alive but now I have to live my life the way it should be lived.

……

suddenly I feel so tired, so burnt out.

I just want to rest. to be at peace. to not think and worry about anything.

I’m so tired to explain myself, to win people’s approval.

I want to sleep long and tight. so tired of chasing happiness.

so tired. so tired. so tired. so tired. 

three roads, one choice

what the hell did I just do?

I know sooner or later I must make a choice, how the hell did I end up in this situation? Now my heart’s breaking too. whose heart should I break? it all happened because I’m fucking weak. now I’m caught up in a hard situation. please God help me make the right choices. help me find the right path to go to. I so lost, I don’t know what to do :(

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(Source: opcion, via lostandfounddreams)